Ask, and you shall receive.

Young persons increasingly put greater faith in the wisdom of crowds (such as Google) and prize the confidence of their peers above that of trusted sources of wisdom. But “tribal elders” represent a better source of wisdom, if you take the initiative to ask.

In tribals, we trust.

The majority of NeXters remain very close to their parents. If your parents are not available (or do not care), seek out another experienced and responsible adult that you trust, preferably someone more than 30 years old. It may be a grandparent, a teacher or clergy person, or maybe an older friend. Chances are these “tribal elders” know you better than you know yourself. They are the people most likely to be agenda-free and who truly want you to succeed.

What young persons lack—and what tribal elders have by definition—is tread wear on the road of life (see: Time is on your side). Which is why relying on your peers and the Internet for meaningful life-advice is risky. Yes, tribal elders come across as having “been there, done that.” But they also offer a helpful reality check in the present. If you really want to know how your attitudes and behaviors come across, let a tribal elder hold the mirror and tell you what they see. Why, your blind spots are perfectly obvious to them! You stand to benefit from their perspective, but you must ask for it.

Asking advice makes a good impression.

The problem is most of us avoid asking for advice. We see it is inconsiderate. We don’t want to bother others since they have their own problems to solve. The person we ask may not have the answer we need anyway. And, if our request for advice is refused, we’ll be embarrassed. These reasons may or not be true. Regardless, we are pretty confident that people will think less of us. Right? Wrong.

Although extremely common, behavioral scientists Alison Wood Brooks and Francesca Gino (2015) suggest that our fears about appearing incompetent by asking for advice are sorely misplaced. According to their research, when you ask for advice, people do not think less of you; they actually think you are smarter! This is because the request flatters the adviser and increases his or her self-confidence. In other words, you were smart to come to them for guidance (because they are also smart). The authors conclude that asking for advice is not nearly as risky an endeavor as we tend to think.

Then there’s the issue of actually changing behavior. We don’t mind hearing the advice; we just hate to take it. Most of the time we think we know better and we underweight the opinions of others relative to our own (superiority trap*). In large part this is why young persons seem pre-destined to make their own mistakes—they have a tendency not to listen until it’s too late. This is a shame because tribal elders often have important insights on life’s experiences that NeXters fail to recognize or appreciate.

Well-springs of “wrinkle wisdom.”

Lacking the knowledge, experience, and maturity of their parents, many young persons have distorted perceptions of reality and risk. Here are some tips for using tribal elders to help shore up your decision-making:

• Most older people, and the older the better, know important things. They are experts in some things, deeply experienced in others, insightful in all. They are happy to provide advice if asked. The key is you have to ask!
• Older people may not be sharp as you, but the substance of their judgment is superior to your cleverness. Wisdom comes from reflecting on experience, which you do not have. Talking to tribal elders widens your field of alternative perspectives and ideas.
• Don’t assume that your prejudices are correct. Explaining your thoughts forces you to be self-skeptical, if only for a moment. In doing so, you sometimes hear your thoughts more clearly yourself. Don’t let emotions overpower your logic.
• Identify and approach your tribal elders. Be receptive and ask questions. Listen closely to what they say. Learn from the bad; assimilate the good; discard the rest. We all claim to want truth—tribal elders are guaranteed delivery systems!

* Questionable beliefs can “trap” our better judgment, leading to poor decisions and unintended consequences. In the superiority trap, we often exaggerate the extent of our knowledge, ability, or memory and overemphasize our sense of control over events. Learn more about this, and other traps, in the Young Person’s Guide to Wisdom, Power, and Life Success.

Image credit: “Teacher giving personal instruction to male student” by Cathy Yeulet, licensed from 123rf.com (2015).